If I were the devil | Parenting & Divorce

So, this is my mom and dad.

Aren't they just the cutest thing since sliced bread? 

Pretty much, if you were wondering what the answer was.

So why do we have them? Not just limited to my parents, but think about your parents, maybe even step parents or grandparents. I know from my viewpoint and many of my classmates viewpoints that the purpose of parents includes many things. They are there to help nurture us, to protect us, to raise us to be respectful people and citizens, to provide for our many needs, to teach us, and most especially, "to protect and prepare...children to survive and thrive."

Our parents are given to us for a reason. And I'm especially grateful for them, because I would have died those first few months without their nurturing. I wouldn't have the knowledge and wisdom I have now without their direction and guidance. And it was HARD. Harder on them more than it was ever hard on me. I personally don't know, I haven't had the privilege to be a parent yet. But I know it's hard. And I truly believe it's so hard because that's when we grow the most, is when things get a LOT harder. 

       God gave us TIME to be a parent. 

People nowadays make the excuse that they don’t have TIME or BUDGET to be a parent. They weigh it as a financial and personal disadvantage. Society is leaning towards individualism and selfishness, and it makes me think about a phrase that my professor always uses that has stuck in my brain. "If I were the devil...."

If I were the devil, I would influence people to think that parenthood is too expensive or too much time. I would make you think that you can't be what you want to be with kids to take to school and food to cook and laundry to fold. I would make everyone think it's not worth it, and force them to think it's better to just do what you want. People LISTEN to Satan, and the desire to become a parent within the bounds of marriage is constantly becoming less and less common. Isn't that so sad?? 

If I were the devil....

Yes, parenthood is rough. There are sleepless nights staying up with your newborn who just doesn't seem to have the ability to sleep. There are days when your teenager cuts the very last string. There are times when all you want to do is rewind so you can finish that law degree. 

But there is also nothing more fulfilling, more rewarding, more joyful, more amazing, than parenthood. I know because God has promised us all that it will be that way! Parenthood is a divine gift from Heavenly Father. There is a beautiful reason why we have parents and why we can be parents. 

Now, I'm not saying that we're perfect. 

I know, I know, looking at this picture of us may give you the impression that we are. 

We're NOT. The coat I'm wearing is actually about 5 years old, and there's a button missing and a big hole in the lining. My brother's zipper could be undone. There's mud on all of our shoes just out of sight of your eyeballs. We're not a perfect family by any means. And that implies there are issues and kinks we have to work out, because we're humans.

In class we discussed specifically about divorce. We went over the statistics, the tragedies, the effects it has upon the man, woman, children, and extended families. All the sad stuff. But what really grabbed me was what happens when a couple starts talking about the "D" word....

It's honestly exactly like this photo. 

A huge signal flare. FOR HELP. When one or the other of the couple starts to talk about it, it is a cry for help, whether it be about emotional, mental, and physical assistance. We all NEED help people. Why don't we just give it to each other?? They just crave that help, and often times the problem many people face when considering divorce is ANGER and MISCOMMUNICATION. We don't TALK about it....We don't TAKE TIME and get over ourselves enough to say what we really feel, what's really going on in our heads. We feel more comfortable in our little bubble of not telling him or her about this. So we let it fester, let the anger inside of us grow.

Anger is usually central in divorce. When we act in anger, thats when we come closer to being an animal…acting out, lashing out, with less control. We act in a way we wouldn't normally respond and talk when we are angry. And the consequences are monumental and extremely hard to erase. 

If I were the devil, I would use the natural "animal" inside of humans to make them angry, especially to those around them that matter the most. I would make them think it's alright not to talk to husband about the ache inside, because he doesn't care anyways. He's always at work. If I were the devil, I would make you lose your hope. In your communication, your spouse, your marriage, your family, your everything. Everything that really matters, I WOULD TWIST. 

Please remember what the devil is doing. The family is being torn apart, because HE is working overtime, and we're letting our armor get rusty and loose. 

Don't you dare let him win. And don't you dare let him in.

Who's Right, and Who's Wrong?

Okay, here's what we're going to do. Take a dive with me on this one.

Pretend that I'm standing between you and someone else, whether that be your best friend, significant other, or family member. You pick. 

You both are sitting down in individual chairs. 

I hold out my hand in the middle of you, my thumb facing the ceiling and my pinky pointed toward the floor.

 (Here's a diagram, just in case I don't make sense)

 I ask the both of you to do the same activity for me.

"Describe what you see."

You're sitting on the left side, and you see this. 

Think about how you would describe this image you see. You might say clear skin, no hair, wrinkles on the palm, etc.

Your partner looks at you with a funny glance. "I don't see that! The skin is definitely NOT clear. There's a bunch of freckles and hair all over. You can see some veins, too."

"Pshh, whatever," you think in your head. "He/she doesn't know what she's talking about. Obviously he's wrong." 

(In this analogy, we are totally assuming that neither person has ever seen the other side of a hand before. Just roll with me here haha :) )

Then when he/she describes his side of the hand, he might add things like bunched knuckles, fingernails visible, etc.

This is what the other person sees:

So why didn't your definitions match up? You were both looking at the same hand. What made the difference? 

Well, I'm sure since you're all so smart, you've figured it out already. YOU EACH HAD DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES. One saw the outside of the hand, and one saw the inside. And you described it differently, because you saw it so differently from the other person.

We see this every single day in our personal relationships. We all have our own "prescription" in life; the way we look at things can differ so much that it can cause some tough problems. This is what was discussed in class this week. We need to have respect for one another, because our perspectives are there for a reason!! I've learned this in so many of my relationships over time. I might see setting the table for Thanksgiving as this, but my cousin may see it totally different. But all of our perspectives MATTER. 

It’s GOOD that you both see things differently, it’s a blessing! It doesn’t mean we have to fight and quarrell about who's right or who's wrong. We need to be open and patient, even if we want to be stubborn about what we see. We need to be open to possibly change or step back from OUR perspective and put on some new glasses that will help the picture to come out clearer! :) 

I'll just end with my favorite quote from class. It struck my soul, and I hope it will to yours as well. :)

"Be more worried about what the right thing is to do, rather than who’s more right."

Pools, Protection, and Eventual Perfection.

How do you feel about change? 

Are you terrified of it, or do you feel like you cope with it well enough?

I know for me, it kind of depends on the type of change. Sometimes I'm totally fine, like when i change my underwear everyday. I hope you can relate. 

But other things are a bit harder for me to cope with... For example, leaving my comfy bed in North Idaho to go sleep on rock hard twin beds in the Caribean to serve a mission. Moving out of my family's house of almost 10 years to move into a tiny shared bedroom in an apartment 8 hours away. 

It's hard sometimes, huh? It feels like you're on a huge ship on stormy seas, black clouds surrounding you, and no hope!

And the scary thing is, we're faced with change every day, on different scales. Today I ate muffins for breakfast, and yesterday I ate a Pop Tart and cereal. That's different from swtiching my major or dying my hair. Tomorrow I could get a call that may change the rest of my life. Who knows?

In class last week we talked about the edge of a pool.

Yep! The edge of a pool! :) 

So what in the world does this have to do with change and coping with it? 

One thing that stuck with me from the whole class was a small little thought I took away from this analogy. Above you see a pool's edge, which is technically called pool "coping." The coping has several different functions, and to be honest i don't remember most of them. But one function I remember is the curve. Think about the pools you've been in before. They either have a gutter dipping into the edge, or most commonly there's a curved outing that sticks out. The reason they're like that isn't just for decoration and style. It's to keep the water in. To keep it from splashing out and getting everywhere.

Another thought that struck me is how significant the side of the pool is to most people. We lounge and tan there, and when we were learning how to swim, when we lost our breath or our muscles started to ache, where did we go?? 

THE SIDE. The coping. 

We talked about this while thinking of the changes we experience in families. We all have different trials as families: a cat breaking it's leg, losing a beloved relative, arguments and disagreements, deciding which dessert to eat after dinner, etc and etc. But we all have them nonetheless. But we're all like the water in a sense. We've been put in this "pool", or family, and we all have different roles. I might be the chlorine, while my Mom might be the H20, and my brother Trevor might be the pee. (Haha, hope he doesn't read this). We all work together to make it a family, and the COPING on the edges helps us to STAY TOGETHER, to stay inside. When we handle the stresses of life and even those arguments the best we can, we'll stay in the pool where we are meant to be. 

Now looking at the edge of the pool again, not thinking about that last application. Why did we go to the edge of the pool? What was there for us? 

We found safety and security. We felt a refuge being there, and we could relax. That's what our family is to us. That's what can happen when we cope with change....Because it's all for our good in the end!

When we work together as a family, through all those rough days, job-less months, and infertile years, we find SAFETY in one another. We find that we are STRONGER. We find HAPPINESS. We can GROW TOGETHER to become a perfect family over time!

And, we discover that we make a PRETTY DARN AWESOME SWIMMING POOL.

The Birds, The Bees, and Loyalties

Yep, you guessed it. 

Today we get to talk about the big "S" word....

Don't worry, you won't need to shield any children's eyes or close the tab really quickly. I promise. We're having real, grown-up talk here.

Sex.

It was really funny watching all of our faces when we started the class period. We all knew what the topic was, and we were all pretty hesitant, me because of all the awkward and negative lessons I've had before. Everyone seemed really wide-eyed at first, but once we began to talk about sexual intimacy, it started to become one of the greatest class periods I've ever been in, because I learned SO much. I won't terrorize you all and keep that blush on your cheeks too long, so I'll stick to the basics of what I learned. :)

We definitely talked about all the different stages of sex, but one thing that stuck out to me from Brother Williams was his quote, "The most important sex organ is the brain." The brain controls SO very much of sexual intercourse, and it is the one organ that determines what kind of experience both partners have. If you're nervous, discouraged, or too tired, your experience won't be as great as when you're relaxed or happy.

We talked about the different dangers that can present themselves with this special experience, mostly because it's thrown around with such disgrace and disrespect. We see how accepted and advertised it has become in soceity and even in our own homes. You can hardly find a new PG-13 movie without a sex scene in it. And it's sad to see how something so incredibly special and God-given is being treated so carelessly. It honestly disgusts me. Even scrolling down my favorite "Photography" tab on Pinterest, I can't do that without seeing some kind of sexual image. I'll let you think about it for yourself. What will you do about it? Will you laugh at those jokes? Or will you walk away?...

One other aspect of the lesson that really stood out to me was an analogy given.

Imagine that you are engaged, and you're planning on getting married. You send out invitations, and one goes to your favorite aunt, who is pretty well-off and blessed by way of wallet size. She "RSVP"'s and tells you how excited she is to come! You are so excited to see her there on your special day, and you also know that she'll probably go all out with the wedding gift. She's done it at all the other family weddings, so to be honest, you're kind of excited to see what that gift is. The wedding day arrives, and your aunt calls and tells you about an unexpected complication in the transportation, and she won't be able to make it...You're incredibly dissappointed, and express your love and understanding to her. She says that even though she can't make it, she's sending the wedding gift ahead anyways, and it will be there wrapped in red wrapping paper.

Your day goes by with a giant smile plastered on your face. You just married your best friend. The reception is going perfectly and everyone is having a blast. You and your spouse turn around to see a huge, wrapped, red gift being carted in on a roller. The men bringing it in can't even carry it without help! There HAS to be something incredible in there. The excitement is killing you!! All you want to do is see what it is!!

So now, would you run headlong over to that table and rip open the paper, in front of the guests and pushing over your new spouse??

ABSOLUTELY NOT. Well, you better not.
If you do, I'll leave my number at the bottom of this post so you and I can have a serious talk.

You would WAIT, right? You would do it with your new spouse, whenever you decide to tackle that big pile of gifts, together, AFTER the wedding, and TOGETHER. Why? Becuase it's for BOTH OF YOU. It's a wonderful gift from someone you love, and from someone who loves you.

That gift is sex.
It is a gift from God, an opportunity to express your love for someone in ways that God has designed, and if done in respect, trust, and love, you can be co-creators with God. The both of you will do it together, working on it through time.

And here's the cool thing. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO OPEN IT ON THE WEDDING NIGHT.
We always hear that that's usually when the couple chooses to open that gift, but I learned that we should NOT conform to society or traditions when it comes to something so important. We should talk about it, and most importantly, RESPECT one another.

If you really love each other, you will wait, EVEN after marriage, until the time is right for the both of you.

So there's some food for thought. :)

Please please please don't take this as lightly as everyone else does, like a sport or a joke or anything normal. Sex is an amazing thing, and we should TREAT IT THAT WAY.

What is love??

WHAT IS LOVE??...

I hope Haddaway's classic song is blasting in your mental radio right now. It is in mine. 

"...Baby don't hurt me!!"

...Anyways. 

We use this word for a LOT of things. 

"I love this song!"

 "I love you..." 

"I love when the rain smells like that!"

"I LOVE this band!"

We kind of throw it around in everyday language, and I honestly feel like we don't even have a definition of it. 

M. Scott Peck agrees. He said,  “no one has ever... arrived at a truly satisfactory definition of love.”

How would you define it? You don't have to comment and leave your input, but just stop reading my blog and think about it for a second. What is love in your dictionary?

I know for me, when I think of love, I think of my sisters and I. I think about my Grandpa Peterson, and how he and I were great friends for only a few short years, but the love is still there. I think about the perfect taste of guacamole and chips. I think about a beautiful, ripe mango fallign off the trees in Jamaica. I think about my best friend. I think about sunsets. I think about my mom and dad.

Love can have many different applications, and it can occupy many different facets in our lives. I learned in class that we really don't have a definite definition of this word we call love. But there are actually different levels and types of love. We've got eros, which is the romantic and sexual types of love, philia, which is more of the brotherly kind of love usually found between close friends (fun fact, that's actually where Philadelphia comes from), storge, being the love found between parents and children, and then agape, which is the love we feel when we give service to people, even if we don't like them. Pronounce those like you're a Greek, because that's where they come from :)

I had never known there were different types of love that actually had names! I had always done what everyone else does, throw around the word to descrive the good feelings I have. 

So, since I want y'all to learn on your own instead of me just babbling away, which kind of love do you think is most important? Which could be the most powerful?? Is one greater than the other? 

And which one do you need to improve on?

Man vs. Wild...I mean Woman

Alright, it's boys versus girls!! 

You all remember those competitions in elementary, middle, and high school. The dodgeball tournaments, the flag football in P.E., trivia in class, and tag at recess. Good times, right?

Well, those were all good and fun. I'm sure as adults we still do the same thing, when we get together for a game of Uno or Settlers of Catan and whatnot. So, what do you remember about how everyone acted during those games? Which of the genders was most competitive? Which individual would be the one smack talking and rubbing it all over your face? And what was your role? Did you run right up to the front lines and chuck that rubber dodgeball at that cute guy/girl on the other side, or were you the one in the back picking up the stray balls and giving it to the brave souls on your team?

I know I was mostly the latter. Only occassionally was I up in the front. But set aside the fact that I'm a girl; there were guys on the other side doing the same thing as me. To be honest, we were the scraggly skinny ones who couldn't aim to save our lives. But those times when I was up in the front, I was adrenaline crazed and ready to pummel those suckers into the ground. It was interesting to see how the roles would reverse sometimes. Not every girl was cowering on the floor, and not every guy was Mr. Macho. I mean, of course you'll sometimes have the jock who just wants revenge every week, and the girl who doesn't want to break a nail is a frequent thing to see. But our gender roles and tendencies play a huge part in who we are and how we act.

Last week in class we talked about gender. ALL about it! Hopefully I don't bore you with my findings, maybe you guys think about this as a usual thing, but I thought it was super cool!

Let's look at girls. Now, be warned, this doesn't reflect all girls everywhere who have lived, are living, and will live. This is just a general summarization :) No stress.
Pigtails. Dress up. Pink and Purple. Dollhouses. Princesses.

Girls tend to be more detail-oriented. They sense when something is wrong or someone is feeling a certain emotion. They can be much more sensitive to relationships. For example, when little girls play, they put the whole family together and make stories out of it. They also tend to be a bit more gentle and emotional than the boys.

Now for boys, their habits and tendencies are pretty different from the girls. They tend to be more action-oriented, with some rough and tumble in there. They're usually jumping off roofs or building rock-fortresses or playing in the mud.

But these "boundaries" between males and females are actually not quite boundaries, but more of roles. I know personally, I'm the type of girl who loves to go shooting with my dad and wrestling with my little brothers, even though I usually lose to them now that they're getting bigger than me...

I have really been learning a lot in class lately about how we sometimes put too much of a list or restriciton on what males and females can and cannot be, and what they can and cannot do. I think sometimes we are too desencitized by our culture or the growing worries of same-sex attraction that mold our thinking. There was something in class that we talked about that REALLY stuck out to me.

We discussed a situation in which a father found out that his 2 year old son was playing with Barbies. At first, as usual with a father figure who finds out that his little boy is playing with his sister's feminine toys, Dad starts to freak out a bit. I know my dad would, and he did sometimes. My younger brother Mason used to throw a huge tantrum when the girls got out the nail polish to paint nails, and my dad would adamantly forbid him to do it, even a blue or black shade. But what is the right move here for dad? Should he burn all the Barbies in the firepit out back for prevention? Should he let his son be himself, following his desires? Or, should he do something different? The answer that we talked about, and that was concluded to be the best method, was that Dad should let his son play Barbies. BUT, before you freak out, here's the catch. Dad needs to PLAY BARBIES WITH HIM. And Dad can be Barbie, while the son can be Ken. The son can play and practice the masculine role.
I had never thought of it this way before. It makes sense, because 1) father and son get some male-bonding time, and 2) the son even gets to be the dominant male, playing the role of the man. It lets the son play Barbies like he wants, because let's be honest, Barbies are pretty cool. You can dress them however you want, move their arms and legs in any way, and even take off their heads!

I thought it was so interesting in class this week, learning the patterns and habits that many males and females have, even from birth. It helped me to recognize those things in my own life, and even to have more patience with children and people who have different tendencies than I might have!

So, whenever the next boys against girls game happens, remember, CRUSH THEM :D

Got Mexico?

Hola! 

Como estas? 

This week was a real eye-opener for sure. I want you all to think about Mexico for a minute. Maybe some of you lucky people have been there before. Maybe some of you haven't! Lots of you eat chips, salsa, and quacamole. You enjoy burritos, enchiladas, and tacos as a normal part of your diet during the week. I know I do. You probably even say words in Spanish as you talk to people or see movies with the big sombreros, pinatas, and bright colors. You might even have Hispanic background in your genes, live near people of that nature, and love these amazing people. I know many people who are in this situation, whether it be the first-generation or several generations ago.

In class this week, it featured the Mexican people who have been able to find their way to the U.S. for different reasons. We talked about the different situations that were and are faced by families who decide to immigrate here. And we kind of did a "role-play". For some people, you'll know what that is (returned missionaries). A role-play is when you pretty much pretend and act out what you would do in a certain situation. We chose a mother, father, a 14 year old son, an 11 year old daughter, a cousin, an aunt, an uncle, and a grandmother as part of this Mexican family. We began with the whole family together, with the immediate family very closely related and involved with one another. Mom and Dad were good and happy together, the kids loving life with their friends and doing well with growing up. We then move to when the father decides to head to the United States to start building a better life for the family. It was interesting to me to find out that most, if not all, of the Mexican immigrants, made this huge move for the benefit of their children. They just want the best for one another, and that was something that stuck with me throughout the whole class and even afterwards as I thought about immigration, how it isn't just for Mexican immigrants, but all immigrants who face an entirely new world. Once the father got to the U.S.(this was all just a scenario played out by college students, the real stuff takes years and years and years and involves so much more heartache and pain than I can ever put into words...), things got harder than he thought. No matter what the qualifications he had in Mexico, he would still struggle to find a stable job enough to provide for himself, let alone for his whole entire family whom he had left behind in his beloved Mexico. Often, he would be living in a small apartment with other men in similar situations. Over the period of time when the family is separated, a lot of changes are experienced... Mom becomes the head of the household and the main provider for the family. The son begins to grow up in his teenage years without a father figure in the house. The daughter feels alone, with Mom at work all the time and only her moody brother for company. She misses her dad, and doesn't know how she's going to handle the changes comign up in her next few years. Mom always seems grumpy. Grandma, Aunt, and Uncle are doing their best to help out where they can. Life is so different now...

(FAST FORWARD 3 YEARS)

Everything is ready! The family is packed up and ready to make their journey to the United States. Dad is there waiting for them. It's been three years since Mom got to see her husband, and they barely ever got to talk over the phone thanks to expensive phone rates. The son has shot up in height and attitude. The daughter is now reaching those crucial years. When they reach the U.S., they can barely understand what people are saying, despite practicing English long into the night. It's so much harder in person! The family moves into the same apartment Dad has been living in, because he couldn't afford anything more. Mom's relationship with him feels strained...Whenever Dad tries to exercise paternal authority over the kids, they just resist...They aren't used to having him try to be the father, so there's no way they're going to listen to someone they don't know very well anymore. And something that occured to me about this situation was how sad it was for EACH MEMBER of the family. Dad just wants the best for his wife and kids. Mom just wants to support her husband and raise her kids with good things in life. The kids love Mom and Dad, they just haven't been able to get to nuturing they need. The family seems to have drifted apart, and it's no ones' fault...

There was a lot more to the story, and many other different kinds of stories. This definitely doesn't represent every situation and family, but this really opened my eyes to the Mexican immigrants, since they are so prevalent, but even to just all immigrants in the United States. My ancestors from Europe probably experienced many similar things when they dropped everything they knew to come here to  the other end of the world to find a better life for their families, which means me. I am effected by this concept, and every single one of us can be affected in different ways.

I thought it was so cool to learn, and it really opened my eyes to the depth that these situations can have, and we only see headlines and statistics about immigration. I'm so glad to have learned about this, because it makes me so much more willing to accept people and to even offer help when needed! It just makes me more determined to be tolerant and loving to ALL, no matter who we are or where we come from, in relation to the last post!

I hope you'll look into it more. There's a great article we read in class that changed about half the class' perspective on this whole situation. Let me know if you want it, I can totally get it to you!

…. Amaos unos a otros….

...Yonn renmen lòt…..

...Любить друг друга...

...LOVE ONE ANOTHER...